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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Sicko alert


Holla holla  .. Holla hoLla... Yass its friday again and am so excited, don't ask me why. I said u should not ask me( side eye) okay I would tell you. The first friday of last month I made a "new year" resolution not to abuse anybody, no matter how angry he or she makes me( because I am an adult now, and would be joining the labour market soon. I have to learn to manage my pouty mouth else I might get beaten to a pulp).
    As God did to jesus in the bible, he decide to send satan to tempt me.( This is where I start the story, because I know that what most people want to read) jumping right into it:
   So last friday, I went to the market to get some pirated oyinbo seasonal film, on getting to the road side shack, I asked the ibo boy that worked as sales attendant there to get me "house", I was so anxious to see all the seasons even though Its subject matter is not really my specialisation(medicine) I guess I was just interested in finding out what would happen to each patience, whether they live or die. As I was going about my duty I noticed a guy looking at me. At first I though its just a guy, he would soon stop looking and as if he read mymind and want to prove me wrong he looked even harded, this time much closer to me, (who does that right? ) Now I was getting irritated and I asked if anything was the matter, but he didnot mind me and he continue.
     Now I know in my mind that this is a temptation from the darkest pit of hell and am so happy I overcame it. And survived that encounter without been raped in the street.

   Has any other person experienced that? Do tell and yes have a very nice day. And make sure u turn up but not loud enough for the neighbours to call the police on you.


Dumb and dumber

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?""Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire,burglary and natural disasters!""And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband."I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?""Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

Shitastrophy

 My entire room smell so bad right now. Am imagining its the way the mortuary smells when NEPA refuses to bring the light( if you can't picture that, try imagining how the incinerator of a federal secondary school smells on a friday evening). I had to stuff my nose with perfumed cotton wool( if I would die of a smell it better be pleasant!).
   I wonder what this girl has been eating! Am not the type to stop people from eating( I spend all my money on food) but here is a piece of advise, "take a lot of water" trust me it works( if u happen to have the same smelling waste problem.) don't go and embarrass yourself in another person's house. 
   

That been said I guess I would 'see' y'all tomorrow I just had to get that off my mind... I feel much better now if u ask me.
Am now on IG kf @oluwa_pheezy. 

Monday, 27 July 2015

DIY rhinestone phone pouch

Today's  post is a refashion/DIY  of my phone's ugly pouch and some old jewellery.

Things you would need.
 

  * ugly phone pouch
  * Stone or beads
  * Glue (I use top bond)
  * Your hand

Procedure

       It's  the easiest thing to do since the ABC. It has just 4 simple steps.

1. Start with a clean surface
2. Put your Glue all over the pouch(where u want the stones to be)
3. Set up your center piece (or any part that would need calculation)
4. Go crazy with the rest(but make sure you cover the glue)
    
     It should only take about 10/20 minutes to make.  Leave to dry for about 2/4 hours depending on your weather and the layer of glue/type of glue you use.  Most glue dry clear so don't be afraid to get your hand dirty.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

You got me

I wait in the silence to hear your voice, just to hear your call
And I will catch the intonation of every syllable as it falls
No one can replace it, my words cannot attain it
Your love is boundless, without condition, I fumble with words to explain it
Warm me with your love, thaw my unbelief
Lift me from the floor and place me back upon my feet
You renew my strength so I can walk and not faint
My hope is in you, you have my heart and my faith
Where would I be without you?
My skin crawls with the very thought of a world without you
And even if I die, I know that I cannot be without you
Cause the afterlife means that after life I'll never be without you
But for now I'll focus on the time on earth we share
And when the silence fall, you're there
Still waiting to care for any load I have to bear
So in the silence of these moments, my heart whispers this prayer
When hope is lost, I'll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I'll call you healer
When the silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart
Insecurities have me going insane, I've never been so lame
Your voice to me is calming like rain on a window pane
What I didn't deserve, you covered with your loving words
You reached out and embraced me, without you I am flakey
But now I am all new cos your love completely remakes me
Ever you will be the song of my heart regardless
Cos you are the light of life that got sparked in my darkness
Inspite of all my failures and mistakes,my shame and disgrace
You took my life and covered it with grace
I know that all my steps are ordered by you
And so I step with confidence because your love is true
When I'm tossed by life's winds and waves
I'm not afraid cos you've got power, you're mighty to save
Not too concerned even when alone
I know late into the night when tears fall you hold me
I will praise you, when the tears fall, still I will sing
I will praise you, through the suffering, still I will sing
Take my state of heart
Take my state of mind
Take the fear I have
Take the pain I hide

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Instagram username ideas, help a girl out.

   Since relinquishing my title as an active Literature student on the account of NASU strike and OAU mid semester break( I have been in that scHool for 4 years and this is the first time we would be asked to go home for this ridicules 'Mid term break'), I’ve been forced to make far more life decisions than I’m used to making. I have to decide what to eat for breakfast!, whether making my bed in the morning is responsible or ridiculous, and whether to brush my teeth with the brush and paste or just rinse with water. Most of the time, I think I make good decisions. I mean, sometimes I eat bread three days in a row and take coke as dinner… So as I said before, I’m making good decisions.
But to avoid making questionable decision that might ruin my cyber life, I have decided to besiege you to help me to choose a username for my instagram account.  
   I have finally given in to all the peer influence and decided to sign up on a site where I get to post ridiculous heavily edited pictures of me in ridiculous outfits(pictures that I would most likely take in front of my rich neighbour's gate, and expect people to like it because the whole world revolves around me.

    I have lined up a couple of names to be accessed by people that love me enough to not let me stay in the lower food chain. Now I don't want my instagram page to be an epic fail like my twitter page( I have only 3 followers and 2 of the account that follow me are/is owned by one person). Instagram most be perfect for me, because I want to make a career out of snapping my breakfast. Here are the names.
  
1). The first one is my super hero name . "Patty fierze". Because my name is patricia and am fierce(barely) its sound ridiculous in my head, but it guarantee my mum never finding me when she joins instagram.

2) . The second name is bringing out my movie loving side. " Achilles kryptonite"( that a mash up of achilles and superman)I have a crush on clark kent.

3). "Pinky" to start with I hate pink, but pinky sounded good on my head and he looks good on paper, but apart from its pleasantness I actually hate pink. So it would be better if I form a name out of purple or green, but they are all unprintable

4). ANONYMOUS... But that is like writing a letter to no followers. I actually like the fact that it is mysterious .

5 FISIfisi... It seem nice but... Cliche

6" @Mzpheezy " . Now that is the twitter name that failed me ... Planning on putting a twist on it. Tot of Sexymzpheezy but that would be false image(you and I both know am not sexy). Brainypheezy would put my pant on fire to. Crazypheezy sounds okay but it would not allow any of my instagram followers to toast me

7 "silverlines" that is from the powder I used in jss1 that year was one of the most facinating years of my life and the powder help me swim troubled waters freely(u got to be cute if you want a school mother.

8 " say cheese" I know the name is both ridiculous and cheesy. But I like it... Its me thinking outside the box ( and den again what is the box)


9 Orekelewa... I love that name, even though no one has called me that in a while, not even mama taye.

10 OLuwa pheezy... The name sounds cool. Those are my ideas( I can't help but imagine how annoying it would be living inside my head)



In the comment section... Biko tell me which of the names would make people not want to punch me in the face and which would earn me follower.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

   First of all before I start yapping, I wasn't to say a happy birthday to my secret boyfriend Dapo. Yass! That's been said,I would get down to d business of the day! Or d midnight as I am writing this between 1am n 2am.
 

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Life of a stranger: The last time.

    "This is the last time, am not doing again" sandra told herself as she got down from the cab and walked toward a small apartment with a sign that reads "providence maternity home".

Monday, 13 July 2015

So I went for a wedding

    This is like the first time am attending a wedding as a guest in 2 years, I attend weddings but most of the times is either as a waiter, decorator, or 'ask me'(usher) am versatile like that. I actually knew about the wedding for a long time( the date was saved) but I actually forgot at the dire minute( meaning no aso ebi for me) I had to sew my own aso ebi on the day of the owanbe, God forbid I carry last, its not possible for vip to wear assorted cloth.
While I was sewing(myself) my boss was putting to much gragra(pressure) on me, telling me how I take everything nonchalantly, the wedding was scheduled to start at 10, and I just got to the venue around 12:30, me I was expecting the venue to be filled up, because I was 1 hour late. But when I got there I was so confused, because I was not sure of the venue again, it was annoying, I had to ask one of the pap(photographer) that was there if that's the venue. When I eventually got into the hall it was just my mum(the event planner), technical team, dJ,band,the guys decorating the hall, the food people and 'ask me'. With a couple of guest who also like me thought their is no point going to the church since its already after 12. ..
   The event eventually started at about 1:30 that's after one hour of me holding up the lights for the decorating them and doing 'hello 1' for the band.
    This wedding was not boring to me anyway, because I had side attraction like women trying to pour plate of rice inside nylon, the extremely dry mc whose only joke was that "the person whose golf 1960 model is blocking another persons end of discussion 2015 should go an carry is family problem" the first time he said it, it was a tad bit funny. But then he kept repeating it, and he was so affected by the noise, its a wedding for christ sake, most women came there to gossip. The only interesting thing he did was a comparism between the old dance and dance now. The couple too were lovely people, their was a lot of dancing going on and it was so much fun. Until I started dancing and one woman suddenly started spraying me 100naira notes from behind, she spray so much I had to use my cape to hold the money just to avoid it from falling down. As she stopped spraying, she whispered 'thank you' into my ear( that's when I knew something was oFf. Its either she has used me for rituals or she is just too happy to give me so much money just because I decided to shake my behind shamelessly at another persons wedding. On turning back to see her face, I found out she just paid me the money she owes me, I had made a dress for her before going to school the last time around, so she decide to spray me the money she owe me on the dance floor. I think that's injustice.
      I also met my uncle who happened to have asked me out earlier. I actually saved his number as "dundi". The meeting was not very pleasant anyway, because I didn't even bother to ask his name.
      After the wedding, I got to escort the bride to her husband's parent house, I just found out the bride and groom spends the night there and can go to their house the next day or see the world the next day. Their was a lot of singing and dancing again, and then the groom family gave the 'iyawo ile' from the bride side an envelope(containing money)if you don't ask for it they might not give(the women I went with were being christian about the issue,so they didn't collect a lot of money(I think its because most of them are rich)an advise take the hungriest of the iyawo ile to your groom parents house they tend to be more useful and they know the tradition more and when they don't know, they find out. the iyawo iles helped in carrying the brides things into the house while they sing.

      All in all, travelling to go there was so worth it. I think weddings are fun if u really look with your eyes and listen with your ears without putting all your attention into the plate of rice in front of you.
  
   So how did you weekend go, have a nice week ahead. I would be putting up more post(I would be consistent) as there is a strike on going in my school.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Am not a cool 'people'

   Lately have seeing a lot of seasonal movies(thanks to NASU strike,am on compulsory leave) ... Most of them are film with doctors playing God( I think I have seen over 3 movies where doctors clone people) is it possible for people to be cloned or is that another hollywood fiction( these people need to stop it with this extreme fiction because I am starting to believe vampires exist. This creature are all over the place in movies and its messing with my head.
 Back to God playing doctors, I was seeing "house" yesterday and there was an episode where one of the doctors told a patients he would die after 6 months, 3 months later he called him back to tell him the diagnose was wrong and he gets to live a healthy life because he was just reacting to talc powder. Two days later the patient sued him because of the diagnoses( he had blown all is money and he needs 5,000 dollars for his house) the doctor gave him 6,000 but he still sued. And am thinking what if he just kills him instead of going to court(he is angry because he was told he would die, what if he happens to have an accident and dies)its a win-win situation on both side. U get my point! If I was strong enough I would be a serial killer( but 'criminal minds' has taught me I don't have enough skills and craze for that)and I would rather sleep than kill people.
    I really need to stop seeing hollywood seasonal movies, they are melting my brain.

P. S : have nice weekends, turn up everywhere, but don't do what I won't do and what ever you do, don't TWERK! at least not in public.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

TAXI by 'Mide Benedict

 'Taxi' you shouted into hot air. placing you leg on your ghana-must-go bag, you shouted again. Finally one came around with four men in it, two behind and in front.
'Seat in the middle', one said ' I want the fresh air.'
No big deal. You got in and the car was soon on motion.
Seeing a sanitation vehicle, you ordered the driver to stop, but he refused.
Surprisingly, you were in an unknown place. Your wallet was still intact, but the bag was gone and laughter hooked you.
'Fools! Waste paper thieves! Dusting yourself, you got up, and continuously murmuring. "Thank you," you went your way. 

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Let he/she who has no sin cast the first stone.

    Personally if I was the persona from yesterdays post, I would hire body guards to follow my daughter everywhere. She most not go as close as 1 kilometre to the guy.

Monday, 6 July 2015

Imagine this

    You wake up one morning from your palatial bed, you are preparing for the day's work, paying too much attention to the grey hair on your head and giving it a little dose of hair mask. When your only daughter came in, she is an adult already, works in one of your multinational company as director. She has always bEen you pride, she got her first degree when she was 19 and at 23 she is a master holder. Her brain is not the only genetic character passed from you, she is also very beautiful. If women were rated over 10 she would score 11. She is perfect.

Friday, 3 July 2015

Help! there is an embargo on my hair growth

  Let me start with this statement of fact. " I have never taken my hair seriously"... I came into this world with an head full of hair,the nurse dented my head trying to confirm if I was a baby or just a ball of hair. I started shaving my legs when I was about 5years old( with the tradition blade,soap,and water or my spit as the case may be) I don't care about the hair on my body now, I have decided to allow destiny take it cause.  
   The first time I had an hair cut in my life it was my idea( I didn't just say mummy I want to cut my hair) picture a 4 years old girls whose hair have broken two big combs already breaking all the combs in the house in anger( I was at blood rage). When I was ready to start again, I had staffs at my disposal(God bless grand ma). After the comb incident I cut my hair once because my local untrained dog decided to take a dump 



on my new ghana weaving on christmas day!( it still stinks to me).

        Now in the world of hair growth struggle and a lot of product I won't be surprised if I see a product that has dog poop in it. The only time I allowed my hair to grow for about two years , I became the belle of the ball, I was a cute little girl in jss2 with long mane, I had to cut the hair(myself) because I got tired of making the thinnest braids every week(my school mothers had no chill), getting harassed by under aged lesbians, and my jealous house mistress. The last time my hair has passed 7inches was when I was in jss2. Since then a lot of thing have been stopping my hair growth, I cut my hair every time I dim it fit. It became my identity at a point. Some times my hair is gold , might be wine tomorrow, or black the day after. I might sport a weave today, skin cut tomorrow, red hammock d next day.
          
        Its been 10months since I started my hair journey again, I cut my hair after transition for a month, I was natural for two month and I decided to texturise, and then I finally relaxed the hair january of this year. Now I feel like God is giving the angel tough time about coming down to assist me grow my hair(the world has greater problem!)
        
       Now people of God what can I do to grow my relaxed hair. And pls don't asked me to hang downwards from my chair after I have rubbed my head with adequate measure of an amalgamation of coconut oil, avocado oil and olive oil. that's the last thing I remembered before I became sick for two weeks. A less sever punishment would do.