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Thursday, 10 September 2015

Into depression

Unlike everyone else that was ever depressed I had no reason to be.  My depression was not out of extreme sorrow or loose, I guess I just got bored along the way.  I no longer had that thrill of getting a new toy or the Joy I felt when I make something new and I can't wait to rub it in everyone else face.  The rain drops on the window pane were no longer racing car the just look like ordinary water.  I could not ride my mummy "ajase"  like a car anymore.  I no longer saw life from the eyes of a kid. 
I was an adult, I now understand people do no come back after they are kept in the box.  Kenny did not travel abroad she died over 27 years ago.  It's like a new form of awakening almost rude.  I could no longer live in the fantastic world I built. I Began to know things, I understood, I forgot my toys and buried myself in books for a while they seem enough. Everything I knew I learnt from books(you are to wipe from front to back, a guy touching me would not get me pregnant, it is normal for a girl to bleed a couple of days in the month, I have to fight for myself and if my husband beat me my brothers will leave him for dead under a tree with ripe fruits ready to fall)I read in every language I understood or read the picture when words fail. soon the thrill that came with books vanished and then I searched  for another hobby to give me the spake I got the first time I met books...  But I saw non.  The frustration crept in,  a feeling of emptiness.  Everything became annoying.... There is a knock on the door am angry.  I get angry when I hear people munch their food, why did the car owner use the horn,  why don't you keep your leg off the floor,  shift the pen to the left just a Little bit,  can you stop singing, would you just shut up.!  Before I knew it my head was far up my ass, I was neck deep in the murky water called depression...  How I despised phone calls...  Should I do drugs? I know it's bad but it seems like a good idea. It's not like I can afford real drugs it's just weed....  After all its natural.  I already used it in my cream, why don't I put it in the noodle,  what's the worse that can happen. 
        Now if u ask me if am happy or if I have the spark I go from reading In writing absolute nonsense about myself for the consumption of people who may or may not care.  I would say yes today but ask me that same question tomorrow.
     I have however learnt things would not always go my way I might not always be happy but What matters is am alive, I have beautiful skin, a nice hair, I still cry every time I listen to worship songs, I have people who look up to me,  I have friends who tell me 'fisayo you are wonderful'  with expecting anything, I have brothers that adore me,  father who practically worships me,  mother who prays for me and a God who is ever faithful.  Because of all this I am grateful. 

12 comments:

  1. Your thoughts and discoveries are so right. Welcome to life lol plus your feelings and findings are normal.. #youngadult




    Www.trendwithgloria.com

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    1. hmmm...why look for spark when Christ lives in you. all you have to do is talk to yourself in psalms and hymns and draw the spark from His Word. He cares for you and He is so Faithful.



      www.wlcmwisdom.blogspot.com

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  2. Great and honest thoughts indeed.

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  3. I understand that feeling of awkwardness. But then it's for us to keep appreciating the fact that we are still alive and God is right there perfecting everything for good for us.


    modhancrochet.blogspot.com

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  4. Don't I just love this gurl? my dear that how life as an adult works. Sometimes I wish I can go back to being a kid and enjoy every moment; go back to when I didnt have to worry about the future; go back to when I wasn't in a rush to do the things adults do, go back to when only strokes of cane and the things my parents didnt buy for me made me cry. Life as an adult mehnn **sigh

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  5. Life for grown ups. Filled with ups and downs.

    Pamscrib.blogspot.com

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  6. Life is full ups and downs but I believe no condition is permanent. It is well with you. Amen
    www.ckjacob.com

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  7. Dear Fisayo,

    You this geh ehnn! Reading you is like a game of Chess.. Somedays I worry about you.. Other days i am hexSCited to read about you and know you.. Meeeehhnnn you remind me a lot of me when i was your age.. I used to see life like a bloody maze.. Trying to understand why people always left my life.. Why i was oh! So! alone all the time.. But you know how it all changed Baby mi.. I learnt to live in the present.. and I sincerely thank GOD for www.janylbenylshares.com as mama lit a match that will burn till my grave.

    Can we meet sometime Nne?! Cause to say your mind thrills me eez to put it mildly.. Cheers to the future no matter how bloody uncertain it may seem.. GOD will keep us through it Nne.. he GATS us... and we will turn out fine.. Did i read Weed?! naaaahhh **In Ijagz voice... Ya waaaayyyy too classy for that shi... Aight Am Out. :)

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